The last couple of days have been really difficult for me. I've just been going through the motions and honestly I don't know what I feel about anything. I feel like I'm falling apart.
Like every other teenage girl growing up in the 21st century, I deal with a fair amount of insecurities. This isn't a special case by any means. Lately though it's seemed heightened; nearly demoralizing, I'd say. And I don't know what to do about it. It's like every time I'm around another girl I get frighteningly defensive. She's so much prettier than me; she's so much skinnier than me; I'm not nearly as good as she is. These thoughts impair my mind too often.
I've never really been someone who lets insecurities get the best of me. I've actually grown up with really wonderful people who have always told me "Oh Kennedi, you're so pretty!" or "Your dad will have to get his shotgun out before too long!" But for some reason I'm just really good as lying to myself.
I'm terrifyingly good at it.
(If lying to oneself could be an occupation with high earnings, I'd be driving a Ferrari and own houses in New Zealand, Australia, London, and Los Angeles. And I'd have a European-bred Warmblood horse suitable for the Olympics.)
Why is this? Why would I deny compliments that people bestow upon me out of the kindness of their hearts?
I know one reason is comparison. I live in an era stained by an obsession with movie stars and glamour and physical appearances. Society has made standards so cruelly hard to reach; so to make up for it, they offer diets to help you "lose weight in 5 weeks so you can fit into your favorite bikini" or makeup products to give you "beautifully glowing skin" or teeth whitening products that'll "make your smile irresistible". I see actresses or models or gorgeous women walking down the street and I want to curl up in a corner and question why God didn't give me her eyes, or her figure, or her hair. I compare myself ruthlessly.
Maybe it's because I have a boyfriend now. No, I'm not at all blaming him for how I feel about all this, I'm just acknowledging the fact that perhaps I'm so defensive because, while he is mine, there are still prettier girls out there. I know there are. Some of my anxiety stemming from this fact is that one time there was a guy who said he'd love to pursue a relationship with me but turned around and asked my friend out literally 5 minutes later, merely because, in his eyes, she was much prettier than I and he ended up evaluating that I "just wasn't his type". And while I completely trust my boyfriend, I fear that the thought of being left for someone else who happens to prettier than me will always haunt me. I'm learning that hurts that are born from rejection sometimes never heal.
All I know is that I'm tired of feeling like this. I know that being afraid of being left is irrational; I know it's wrong of me to tell myself that I'm not pretty just because I don't look like some actress.
I need to realize that God makes everyone beautiful. Everyone is beautiful in their own way.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful; he's told me before that he thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. And I've discovered that when you really love someone, other people don't matter anymore. I may not be model status or any drop-dead gorgeous bombshell by any means, but Christian still thinks I'm lovely and that means so much to me.
Learning to be comfortable in my own skin may not ever be "easy" but I know it's doable. I am beautifully and wonderfully made in the image of God and I'm loved by my family and friends and my wonderful boyfriend. I'm healthy, I've been blessed with so many unnecessary things and God continues to bless me every day. Shouldn't those facts be more important to me that striving to be a stunningly beautiful model?
Proverbs 31:28 - 30: Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
What insecurities do you struggle with? How do you deal with them?
I know this post was kind of random and all over the place, but I had to let this stuff out. Even if it only makes sense to me. I'm weird that way.
Thank you for putting up with me, dear reader. :)
Until next time,